Scott Pilgrim: DownpourPreview
by Black Widow of La Porte
Summary: After Gideon's death and the fall of the League, Scott and Ramona could finally have a peaceful and lasting relationship... not. After a disastrous event shatters the silence, Scott and the gang are forced on an errand to bring an end to a foreboding enemy. Will Scott succeed? Or will this be a permanent end to his relationship to Ramona... and possibly his life?
1. Chapter 1

"_**He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."**_

–**Friedrich Nietzsche, **_**Beyond Good and Evil.**_

* * *

**Scott Pilgrim: Downpour**

**Chapter 1: A New Day**

* * *

The following account takes place about one month after Gideon's demise. I made up the exact date, because Volume 6 doesn't exactly tell you when it takes place.

* * *

**Tuesday, March 1, 2011**

**3:33 p.m.**

**Stephen Stills' House**

"Hey, guys." Scott announced as he casually strolled into the house owned by both Stephen Stills and (formerly Young) Neil.

**Scott Pilgrim**

**Hero of the Story**

**24 Years Old**

**Rating: Really Awesome**

Scott made his way into the dining area, where Stephen and Neil were sitting at the table eating lunch.

"Isn't it a little early for you to be getting out of bed, Scott?" Stephen asked him.

**Stephen Stills**

'**The Talent'**

**23 Years Old**

**Status: Scott is an idiot.**

"I've been up since noon." Scott said as he opened the fridge and looked inside.

"Right." Stephen said, taking a few careful sips of his coffee.

"Where's Kim?" Scott asked. "And where the hell is the fruit cup I left in here on Friday?"

"Kim's in the bathroom," Stephen said, "and I ate the fruit cup yesterday."

"What?" Scott said, bolting up from the fridge. "Why did you eat it? It was mine!"

"It didn't have your name on it."

"Yes, it did! 'Scott's fruit cup,' written in a black Sharpie on the plastic cover?!"

"Oh, well." Stephen said, bringing his coffee cup to his mouth. "Possessions are fleeting, man."

Scott put his hand under Stephen's coffee cup and pushed it up, causing the hot caffeinated beverage to spill all over Stephen.

"AWW! DUDE!" Stephen shouted, jumping up from his chair. "Not cool!"

"Oh, well." Scott shrugged his shoulders. "Possessions are fleeting."

"You're gonna get it." Stephen said, pushing his chair out of the way.

"No, I don't want it." Scott ran out of the kitchen

"Come 'ere!" Stephen ran after him.

"Nope!"

As Stephen chased after Scott, Kim entered the kitchen and walked over to the table, studying the mess and observing Stephen and Scott.

"Why?" She asked Neil.

**Kim Pine**

**Dated Scott**

**24 Years Old**

**Status: Kim-ish**

"Stephen ate Scott's fruit cup." Neil said.

**Neil Nordegraf**

**Lives Here**

**21 Years Old**

**Status: Carefree**

"Ah." Kim said, taking a seat at the table and picking up a piece of toast. She took a butter knife and scooped a small mass of grape jelly out of the jar and spread it across the well-browned toast.

"_Leave me alone!"_ Scott shouted from the other room.

"So, how are things between you and Stacey?" Kim asked as she took a bite of the jellied toast.

"Uh, pretty good… I think." Neil said.

"_Put down my guitar!"_

"How are things between you and, uh…"

"I'm not dating anyone." Kim said.

"Oh. What happened with that one guy, uh…?"

"Jason and I broke up, like, 5 months ago. He cheated on me with my roommate Holly, and now he's dead to me."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Whatever. I'm over it."

"_Shoryuken!"_ Scott exclaimed, followed by the sound of wood snapping.

"That sounds like a big deal." Kim said, putting down her toast as she and Neil made their way into the living room, where Stephen lay in a heap on the floor. Underneath Stephen was once a coffee table, but was now a broken pile of wood and sticks.

"Oh, that's not good." Kim said.

"Shit." Stephen stirred as he lifted himself up.

"Sorry." Scott said.

"Sorry?" Stephen said. "No. 'Sorry' doesn't cut it when you knock me into my coffee table with my guitar. 'Sorry' is replacing both of those things that you broke."

"Okay, okay. I will." Scott assured him. "Can we go back to the beginning when I walked in the front door?"

"No!" Stephen said.

"Yes, we can." Kim said. "Scott, go outside and then come back in, and we can pretend this never happened."

Scott walked to the door and opened it, walked out, and closed the door behind.

"_Asshole."_ Stephen muttered.

_Knock knock knock!_

"Oh, just get in here!" Stephen shouted.

"_I can't!"_ Scott called. _"The door's locked and I dropped my key into the bowl on the mantle!"_

Kim covered her face with her hand as Stephen resigned himself to go and open the door for Scott.

"Get in here." He growled, frustrated at Scott.

"Is that any way to treat a friend?" Scott said.

"Get in here before I—"

"Just cut it out and be nice, guys." Kim said.

"Fine." Stephen said, heavily, turning back to Scott. "Come on in, buddy."

"Thanks buddy." Scott smiled, entering the house.

"Don't mind the mess. Some crazy asshole just spilled some coffee and smashed the coffee table with my guitar."

"Ha ha ha." Scott fake-laughed as he walked past Stephen. "Hi, Kim. How are you?"

"Hello, Scott. I'm fine. Thanks for asking." She said, laughing internally as she decided to humor Scott. "How are you?"

"I'm awesome." Scott said. "And how are you, Neil?"

"Cut it out!" Stephen said.

"Grumpy much?" Scott asked.

"Shut up." Stephen said, walking back to the kitchen. "Just shut up."

* * *

**A Few Minutes Later…**

"So, where's Ramona?" Kim asked. She and her friends all sat around the kitchen table. They had all finished eating their brunch and rejoiced in conversation.

"She said she would be running errands after work." Scott said. "She'll probably be back by four-ish."

"Oh."

"Why are we still sitting at the table?" Scott asked. "We already finished eating."

"I don't know." Kim said. "It's the most convenient place for all of us to sit and talk?"

"I guess." Stephen said.

"It's kinda boring." Scott said. "Can we skip to the part where Ramona gets here?"

**NO.**

"Why not?"

**BECAUSE I SAID NO.**

"Please?"

**NO.**

"Who the hell are you talking to?" Stephen asked.

"The narrator." Scott said.

"What?" Kim said.

"The narrator." Scott repeated. "You know, the guy who tells the story?"

"Are you receiving alien transmissions?" Neil asked.

"Nevermind."

"How are things with Ramona?" Kim asked.

"Things are great with Ramona. I just wish it wasn't taking so long for her to get here."

…

"Hello!" Scott shouted. "Hey! Anyone there?!"

…

"Oh, real mature!"

"Scott?" Kim said.

"Yeah?"

"It's easy enough to deal with your usual stupidity, but this is on a whole different level."

"What's your point?"

"You're scaring us. Cut it out." Stephen said.

"Fine." Scott sighed. "Hey, Neil. Did you see that movie with that guy in it?"

"What guy?" Neil asked.

"You know, that one guy from that other movie."

"The movie about that guy who does that thing?"

"Yeah. And then at the end, everyone dies anyway."

"Is it the one with that other guy from that movie with that one girl?"

"What? No. We're not on the same page here. Let me explain the movie to you. Okay, so there's this guy, who…"

* * *

**One Hour Later…**

"Hey." Ramona said as she walked into the kitchen.

**Ramona Flowers**

**American Ninja Delivery Girl**

**25 Years Old**

**Status: Dating Scott**

"Finally." Kim said, dropping her head onto the table.

"Hey!" Scott said as Ramona leaned in and gave him a chaste kiss. "We were just talking about you."

"Really." Ramona said.

"No, we weren't." Stephen said.

"Aw." Ramona said, lightheartedly.

"We were!" Scott said. "We totally were talking about you. Kim, weren't we?"

"Yeah." Kim said. "Like an hour ago. You complained about Ramona not being here and started yelling. Then you went off about this movie you saw which was, in your words, 'an epic of epic epicness,' yet you can't seem to remember the name of the movie or any of the actors."

"Really?" Scott said. "An hour ago? Huh."

"So…" Ramona said, taking a seat right beside Scott. "What was so amazing about this movie?"

"NO!" Both Stephen and Kim shouted.

"What?" Ramona said, defensively. "What did I say?"

"Didn't you hear what we said?" Stephen said. "He started talking an hour ago and didn't shut up until you got here."

"Oh, yeah." Scott said. "That reminds me, I didn't even get to the best part, yet."

"Okay, new rule." Stephen said. "No story telling unless I approve of it."

"But it's not a story," Scott protested, "It's a movie!"

"If you can't remember the name, then it's a story." Stephen said.

"But it's not!" Scott whined.

"End of discussion. Drop it."

"You can just tell me about it later, baby." Ramona said to Scott.

"Okay, fine." Scott said, dejectedly. "How was work?"

"I don't wanna talk about work."

"How was _not_ work?"

"Not work was great. Thanks for asking. How was your day?"

"Well, I woke up about 4 hours ago. I played Final Fantasy VIII for about 2 hours and then I came here."

"Sounds great."

"It was."

"You know," Kim said, "as crazy as this might sound, it's kinda boring when there aren't people trying to kill you and control the future of Ramona's love life."

"Heh-heh-heh, it's funny because I was just thinking the exact same thing." Scott joked.

"Yeah, I'm bored, too." Ramona said. "Hey, are you working tomorrow?"

"No. Why—what's up?"

"That's good. We need to go to IKEA tomorrow and pick out a new bed."

"Oh, yeah. Because of…"

"Yeah."

"Something wrong with your bed?" Kim asked.

"It broke." Ramona said, shamelessly.

"I can only imagine why." Kim said.

"Beds break all the time." Scott said. "It happens to everyone."

"That's enough with the furniture talk." Stephen said.

"What's wrong with you?" Ramona asked.

"Nothing." Stephen said, plainly.

"Then stop being a dick." Ramona turned back to Scott. "I guess I'll just have the bed delivered and you can help me put it together later."

"Can't we just get one of those self-assembling beds from Bed, Bath & Beyond?"

"They don't sell self-assembling beds at Bed, Bath & Beyond." Ramona said. "In fact, I'm not even familiar with 'self-assembling beds.' "

"Haven't you ever been to the 'Beyond' section of Bed, Bath & Beyond?" Scott asked.

"No."

"Me neither, but if it's anything like in movies then they should have something along the lines of 'self-assembling beds.' "

"Right…" Ramona said. "I'll see what I can find."

* * *

**Later That Night…**

"…I don't like this." Scott said as he lay in bed with Ramona. While the frame of the bed was broken, the bed itself wasn't unusable. However, even placed upon the box spring, the bed was still much closer to the floor. Climbing into the bed was like climbing into a Corvette.

"I could get used to it." Ramona said, placing her right arm across Scott's chest.

"I meant the silence."

"What?"

Scott sat up in bed. "Remember what Kim said earlier? About the evil exes?"

"Don't tell me you miss that."

"No, no. Of course not. It's just…" Scott looked away for a moment. "It's… It's over, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, no more exes. No more people trying to kill me?"

"Not as far as I know."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'd be lying if I said I've only dated 7 people." She said. "I'm surprised only 7 of them came after you."

"You've dated other people?" Scott didn't sound too surprised. "Like… vampires?"

"Heh. There's no such thing as vampires." Ramona laughed off his comment.

"Okay, so who have you dated?"

"I've told you about Doug, right?"

"Uh… yeah. The 'dick,' right?"

"Yeah. _He_ dumped _me_, ironically, and he was the last guy I dated before Gideon."

"Do I have to worry about him?"

"I wouldn't." Ramona rolled her eyes. "I doubt that he'd even remember my name. I'm sure a lot of other girls would say the same thing about him."

"Okay. Anyone else?"

"Well… In university, I dated a guy named Joel. He was a half-decent guy, I guess. I dated him for a while. Then we kind of ended. It was a mutual thing."

"Joel? What was he like?"

"He was a very busy guy. It was like he never had time for me. I rarely saw him outside of school, and it was a live-in dorm."

"How do you date a guy that you never see?"

"Well…" Ramona turned over onto her back. "We never really 'went out' so to speak. Whenever he was there, we would just kind of… meet up."

"Meet up?" Scott already knew what that meant. "You mean…?"

"Yeah." Ramona diverted her eyes from Scott when she said this.

"Wow." Scott tried to unhear the thought.

"So… after a while, we just kind of stopped and then I started dating Roxie. After I finished university, I moved to Seattle and I met a guy named Jack. I saw him for almost a year. While I was with Jack, I also met the Twins."

"Wait, you dated them and Jack?"

"Not really. Jack was a bit weird, to say the least."

"Marilyn Manson-weird or Charles Manson-weird?"

"I can't really answer that. We met the Twins at a nightclub in Cherry Hill. Jack wanted some tech from them, so I went over and chatted them up. It really wasn't my intention to get involved with either of them."

"How do you end up dating 2 guys that you don't even want to date?"

"They were eccentric. It started the day after the club, when Kyle asked me out. The next night it was Ken. I didn't want to date either of them, but they were insistent. They were always offering to take me to fancy restaurants, buying me expensive stuff."

"That's kind of trashy."

"Hey!" Ramona sat up in bed. "It's not like they had anything else to give me."

"That sounds really trashy."

"Shut up." Ramona said. "That's just the way I used to be. I'm above all that material bullshit."

"Alright. How long did you juggle the Twins?"

"About 2 weeks. Then they found out that Jack was stealing computers from them and they freaked out. When they confronted him, he threw me to the sharks and left me out to dry. In the end, the Twins were angrier at me than they were at him."

"Wow, what a jerk."

"Yeah, I guess." Ramona lay back down in bed. "I was kind of relieved. They were both trying to get serious with me, and I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. Jack kind of bailed me out."

"What about Jack?"

"I was just looking for a good time. Jack knew just how to show me that. That's something I always loved about him."

"You loved him?"

"No." Ramona said. "I never loved him. I don't think he ever loved me, either. But what we had, whatever it was… certainly was the most fun I'd ever had."

"What about me?" Scott asked. "I'm fun, too, right?"

"Yeah, well… no offense, Scott, but it's not really fun when 7 of your exes try to kill your boyfriend. It's actually the kind of thing that would plead therapy."

"Good point." Scott resigned. "…I'm still the nicest guy, right?"

Ramona smiled at him. "Of course you are, baby. And right now, you're the only man in my life who matters."

"Really?" Scott asked as leaned in, close to her face.

"Yep." Ramona brought her head up to meet Scott. "You bet."

"Any girls?"

"Shut up." Ramona laughed as she wrapped her arms around Scott's neck and pulled him into a long, hot kiss. After what seemed like a second but what may have been more than an hour, Scott broke the kiss.

"I love you." He said.

"How much do you love me?" Ramona cooed at him.

"More than anything in this world." Scott pressed his face into Ramona's neck and began kissing and sucking at her skin.

"Tell me more." Ramona wrapped her arms around Scott's neck and back. Soon, the room was filled with sounds of ecstasy and determination from the both of them.

* * *

**Elsewhere, in Downtown Toronto…**

_The next scene takes place in a room in a hotel which hosted only those who had the money to burn. In a room that was well-decorated with expensive furniture. The room was made as sort of a lounge, where people met for leisure. The lights were all turned off, save for one light in a corner by the door. The light of the moon shown through the window_

_At this window there was a man sitting in a chair. He stared out the window, looking down at the lights below midnight Toronto. This was a man of a great philosophy and a strong morale. He was somewhat of a loner, as he had been rejected by society once before; he had no trust in anyone other than those as untrusting as himself. While he was lost in deep thought, he could not be surer of his plan. He was set on a course of action, and would not stray from them, even though he knew just how wrong they were._

_**IT'S THE RIGHT THING.**_ He hears a voice from deep down inside.

"But it's not." He said to himself.

_**WE'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER.**_

"I'd like to think that's true." He said.

_**IT'S THE TRUTH, WHETHER OR NOT YOU CHOOSE TO RECEIVE IT. IT'LL BE EASIER WHEN YOU ACCEPT REALITY.**_

"Her existence doesn't affect us. Taking her would be pointless."

_**IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A CHOICE.**_

"Right. Whatever you say."

"Hey." He hears the voice of a woman. He turns around to see the door is opened and a woman in blue has entered the room.

"Maude." He said. "What's the word?"

"We found her." The woman named Maude said.

"Where?"

"In a townhouse in the suburbs. She lives with her boyfriend."

"Tell the others." He said. "And get some sleep. Tomorrow, we go to work."

"Right." Maude turned to leave.

"One more thing."

"What is it?" She stopped and turned around.

"…What's _his_ name?"

* * *

**End Chapter 1**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Press Press, Depress Depress**

* * *

**Thursday, March 3, 2011**

**3:12 p.m.**

**Ramona's House**

"What do you think?" Ramona asked. She stood in the doorway of her closet, resting one hand on the threshold and the other on her hip. She wore nothing but a black bra with white lace and a matching bikini bottomed panty. Scott sat on their newly-assembled bed, enjoying the sight of his girlfriend's modeling.

"I think it's kind of cold in here." He said.

"Me, too." Ramona dropped her pose and walked over to her boyfriend. "You know what I think?"

"What? I don't know."

"I think…" Ramona sat on his lap. "I think we need to break in this bed."

"Sounds good to me." Scott said as his girlfriend pushed him down onto the bed.

* * *

**A Little Bit Later…**

"It doesn't feel the same as your old bed." Scott said

"It _is_ the same bed." Ramona said.

"What do you mean?"

"The frame is new."

"Oh."

"What do you think? Sturdy, right?"

"Sure is."

"What time is it?" Ramona sat up.

"I don't know." Scott rolled over and looked over at the clock. "Around 3:30."

"Damn." Ramona sighed. "It feels so much later. I don't even want to get out of bed."

"We don't _have_ to get out of bed."

"I like that idea." Ramona crawled up to Scott.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Ramona brought her lips to Scott's face.

_Ping!_

"And that would be my phone." Ramona turned around and picked her phone up from the end table.

"Damn it."

"Hello?" Ramona answered her phone.

"_You've been in there all afternoon. I hope that you're not having trouble with anything..."_

"Who is this?"

_*Click!*_

"What?" Ramona looked at the phone to see that the caller had hung up. "Creep."

"What's wrong?" Scott sat up in bed.

"I think someone's spying on us."

"Oh crap, did they see us…?"

"No, but they know we've been in here all afternoon, and I think they know about the bed frame."

"That _is_ creepy." Scott stood up out of bed, and picked his pants up off the floor.

_Ping!_

Ramona sighed exasperatedly as she picked up the phone.

"Alright, jerk-off." She shouted into the phone, "If you don't leave me alone, I will find you and chew your feet off at the goddamn ankles."

"_Whoa whoa whoa, where did that come from?"_ A voice chimed the phone. _"I thought I raised you to speak better to me than that."_

"Oh, Daddy!" Ramona laughed as Scott turned around in surprise. "I'm so sorry; I thought you were someone else."

"_Well, I'd hate to be that guy."_

Ramona chuckled. "So, how's New York?"

"_It's great—if you like standin' in line, freezin' your ass off to pay 5 bucks for a crappy cup of coffee."_

"Why don't you just buy a coffee maker?"

"_Yeah, right. You gonna come over and show me how to use it?"_

"Dad, you just fill it with water and push the button."

"_I'll look into it. So, how's Seattle?"_

"I wouldn't know. I haven't lived there in almost 2 years."

"_Then where are you?"_

"Toronto."

"_Canada? What the hell are you doin' up there?"_

"It's a nice place to live, Dad. It's just like New York. Almost. How's Mom?"

"_Same as always. Worried sick about your brother."_

"Did you find him?"

"_No. We haven't seen him since he ran out."_

"It's been what, 3 years, now?"

"_Yeah. Look, I really miss you, sweetie, and uh… It'd be nice to see you, again."_

"I miss you, too, Daddy. But you know how the economy is. I'll see what I can do."

"_So, you got anyone, uh… 'special' in your life?"_

"Yeah, actually I do." Ramona smiled as she turned to Scott. "He's right here; you wanna talk to him?"

"_No, no!"_ Scott whispered, waving his hands.

Ramona gave him a wry, disapproving look.

"_No… maybe you can bring him with you when you visit. I'd like to meet him and make sure he's not the kind of guy I see every day at work."_

"He's a great guy, Dad." Ramona laughed. "You'll like him."

"_Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Listen, uh… I gotta go, now; you take care of yourself."_

"Alright, Daddy. I love you."

"_I love you, too, baby. Bye."_

"Bye." Ramona took the phone from her ear and hung up.

"So…" Scott sat down next to Ramona on the bed. "That was your dad."

"Yeah."

"He sounds… nice."

"Of course he does. I am his daughter, after all."

"Oh." Scott sounded discouraged. "He's _that_ kind of dad."

"Don't worry, you'll love him."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"Yeah, I am." She chuckled. "Cheer up. It'll be better than you think."

"And I thought it was bad enough that you had 7 evil ex-boyfriends." Scott remorsed. "But now you have a dad who wants to meet me—I can't think anything more terrifying than that."

"Don't worry about it, baby." Ramona rested her hand on Scott's thigh. "Everything'll be just fine. Okay?"

"Okay." Scott said.

"Good." Ramona kissed him on the cheek. "Now…" She moved her hand to the inside of Scott's thigh. "How about we continue where we left off?"

"That sounds good to me." Scott smiled as he turned to Ramona.

_Ping!_

"Son of a bitch" Scott muttered under his breath. Ramona sighed as she fell back onto the bed.

"You get it." She said. "I'm tired of answering it."

Scott reached over Ramona's legs and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"_You need to get out of the house."_ Said a female voice on the other line.

"Who is this?"

"_Right now!"_ Her tone was urgent and Scott knew that she wasn't joking. She hung up the phone and Scott immediately bolted up off the bed.

"We need to go, Ramona." He said, brashly.

"What?" She asked, sitting up.

"Right now! Don't argue, just come on!" He said as he grabbed Ramona's hands and pulled her up.

"I'm not wearing anything!"

Suddenly, there was a loud noise, like the sound of snapping wood. Scott and Ramona both jumped and turned towards the source—there was a hole in the wall to the right side of Ramona's bed, and another hole in the wall going into her bathroom; however, it came from at a lower angle.

"What was that?"

"Get down!" Scott jumped on top of Ramona and pushed them both onto the floor. Soon after, several more holes vented from the wall. Scott could hear the whizzing sound which he recognized as a bullet. The sound of the bullets, shattering glass and breaking wood filled the room, becoming almost deafening. All around them, Ramona's bedroom fell apart. Sections of the wall fell down; one bullet hit the light bulb and sent the shards of broken glass across the room.

Ramona had fallen into a deep fright and hyperventilated rapidly, occasionally bursting out with a yelp when the bullets became louder—which meant that they were coming closer. She wrapped her arms tightly around Scott, pulling him close, holding on for dear life. Scott tried to think through the sounds of his girlfriend's panic and of the storm surrounding them. He didn't know anything about guns, but he knew whoever was shooting at them was a professional. One question rang in Scott's ears as every bullet passed by—'Where is he shooting from?" There was no sound of gunfire, just the bullets.

_How long is this going to last?_ Scott wondered. At that moment, he saw movement out of the top corner of his eye. He looked to see the bullets flying up from the floor. _Shit! He's in the house! _Scott jumped up as quickly as he could and pulled Ramona up off the floor, throwing the both of them onto her bed. He curled up tightly in a ball, keeping his feet away from the corners of the bed; and pulled Ramona close to him. There was a sound like the hollow thumping of wood as the bullets passed under the bed. Not one of the bullets passed through the bed, though.

Soon, the sounds of the destruction became distant, as the shooter was moving towards the back of the house. After a while, the storm of bullets ceased, and silence filled the house. For a few moments, Scott and Ramona just lay there in bed, wrapped tightly in each other's' arms. Slowly, they both raised their head to observe the surroundings.

"_I think it's over."_ Ramona whispered.

"_Me too."_ Scott whispered. _"And I think we got our money's worth out of that bed frame."_

All of a sudden, there was the sound of voice heard downstairs. The voice of a man with a British accent.

"_Confirm breach. No sign of target. Over."_

**Some Dude**

**Age: Unknown**

There was a brief squawk, static, like the sound of a radio.

"_There in there." _Another voice said; it sounded like it came from a radio._ "He said he just spoke to her. Did you search the whole house or did you just light it up?"_

"_Shut up. I'll get them. Over." _Said the man downstairs.

"_You've been doing this for as long as I have—you should know what to do. I mean, for gads sake, they're just a couple of alley cats."_

_Alley cats? _Scott and Ramona both thought.

"_I have this! Now let me do my job! I'm turning off the radio. Over and out."_ There was a small burst of static, followed by silence, and the sound of footsteps, coming back towards the front of the house.

"He's coming upstairs." Ramona whispered.

"I have a plan." Scott said, standing up out of the bed. "Stay here."

Scott made his way to the door and stopped as he heard the sound of heavy boots against the wooden floor downstairs. He was heading for the stairs, and Scott knew that if he made it upstairs that there wouldn't be anything to stop him from killing Ramona.

"If you're here then come on out!" The man called. "I won't hurt you."

_Who's this guy trying to fool?_ Scott thought. Through a hole in the floor, he could see the man downstairs. He was wearing a black suit and tie, and had short, brown hair in a spiked up kind of fashion. He held a rifle with both hands, and he was directly underneath the staircase. Scott had a plan.

"_Ramona."_ He mouthed, motioning for her bag, which was hanging on the bed post and had miraculously avoided all damage. Ramona grabbed the bag and tossed it to him. Scott unzipped the bag and reached in, fumbling about for the strategic item hidden somewhere in the infinite void of Subspace.

As the footsteps drew closer to the staircase, survival became critical and Scott searched feverishly. Out of the corner of his eye Scott saw the man's shadow on the front door, meaning that he was headed their way. It was only a matter of time before Scott's window closed, and then he and Ramona would both die. But then, Scott found what he was looking for, and pulled out of Ramona's bag. It was a hand-sized device that looked somewhat like a cross between a grenade and a zippo lighter. He pulled the pin and threw the grenade downstairs. It didn't even hit the floor before Scott heard the rapid clicking of bullets. After 3 seconds, there was an explosion—not like the sound of a grenade exploding, but more like a bottle rocket going off; followed by a great burst of light and the surprised cry from the man with the gun.

"Flash bangs?" Scott said, turning to Ramona.

"What did you expect? I'm not a terrorist." Ramona said.

Scott ignored the comment and immediately sprinted out the bedroom and jumped over the railing of the stairs, catching it and turning himself around, he swung into the first floor and let go, landing on the wooden floor below. There, he saw the man with the gun holding his face and blinking rapidly, trying to reestablish himself with the area.

"Who's that?" He shouted, holding up his gun.

Scott charged and kicked the gun to side, disarming him.

"Shit!"

Scott swung his foot up and delivered a powerful kick to the assailant's face, sending him backwards into what was left of the table in the dining room. The man scrambled on the floor, struggling to get up and find his way around.

"Where are you!?" He shouted, reaching into the side pocket of his blazer, he pulled out a silenced Beretta 92FS and fired at nothing. He turned too late as Scott tackled him to the floor and pulled the gun out of his hand and discarded it.

"Who the hell are you?" Scott asked as he pinned the assailant to the floor. The man responded with a punch to the face and knocked Scott onto the ground beside him.

"I'm a harbinger of death!" He cried, pulling a knife out from his shoe. "And you're dead!"

Scott grabbed the assailant's hand to stop the knife, but he was quickly losing this battle over the lack of upper arm strength. Then out of nowhere, Ramona came and swatted the man away with her hammer. He flew out of the wall into the backyard.

"Need a hand?" Ramona bent down and offered Scott her hand. Scott was more than happy to take it.

"Thanks." He said as Ramona lifted him to his feet. "I just hope this guy doesn't have any more guns."

"Don't jinx us with that. Let's just go check him out." Ramona and Scott both made their way towards the backyard. But as they looked outside, there was no trace of the man to be found.

"Great." Scott said, exasperatedly. "He got away."

"Shit. My landlord is definitely _not_ going to like this."

"Neither will the insurance company."

"Hey, lookee here." Ramona said, bending over and picking something off the ground. "This is that guy's walkie talkie." As she turned the dial, there was a click, followed by a brief squawk.

"_Johnny?"_ Came a voice from the radio. _"Did you get them? Hello?"_

"Johnny?" Scott repeated the name.

"Should we say something?" Ramona asked.

"We need answers." Scott said. "Give it to me."

Ramona handed the radio to Scott.

"Who is this?" Scott asked.

There was no answer.

"Hello? Did you hear me? Who the hell is this, and who the hell just turned our house into Swiss cheese?"

Again, there was no answer.

"Damn it! Answer me!"

"_Johnny?"_ Called the radio voice.

"This isn't Johnny, this is Scott!"

"Uh, Scott?" Ramona said. "You see that button on the side? Yeah, you're supposed to hold it down when you're talking."

"Oh." Scott held down the button. There was a click. "Who the hell is this?"

"_Who the hell is_ this?" The radio voice asked.

"I think you know who it is." Scott said. "Now answer me. Who the hell are you, and what do you want?"

"_Half a minute."_ Replied the voice.

"What? What does that mean?"

There was no reply from the voice. The other end of the radio was silent for about 30 seconds, and then there was another burst of static, a different voice answered. Someone with a northern-state American accent.

"_Is this Scott Pilgrim?"_ The man asked.

"Yes." Scott said. "Who the hell is this? For the last time."

"_For the purpose of future conveniences, I probably should introduce myself." _The voice said._ "My name is Joel Anderson."_

"Joel Anderson?" Scott repeated, turning to Ramona. "As in Joel Anderson, Ramona's 4th not-Evil Ex-Boyfriend?"

Ramona shrugged.

"_If that's what you wanna call me, then yes." _Joel said._ "I am Ramona's 'not-Evil Ex-Boyfriend.' "_

"Well, if you're not evil then why did you try to kill us? Why did you destroy our house?"

"_I'm not what you call 'evil,' Scott. Let's just say that I'm angry. Doesn't matter why, I just like to kill people."_

"How is that _not_ evil?"

"_Let's leave a little mystery to the villain, why don't we? Don't worry, Scott. All of your questions will be answered by the time this whole thing is over with. I promise."_

"What are you talking about?"

"_Let's just say you might wanna watch your back. Oh, and sorry about your house. I'd feel a lot better about it if you had been killed, but now you're homeless and I just feel awful about it. Do you need a place to stay? I know some great hotels here."_

"What?" Scott asked. "No, we don't need a place to stay! You're a psychopath and we're not staying at your fancy hotels!"

"_Suit yourself."_ Joel said. _"You won't find me on this radio anymore. Bye."_

There was a short burst of static, followed by silence.

"Damn it!"

"Where are we gonna stay?" Ramona asked.

"We could stay at my place until the insurance comes to our rescue." Scott said.

"Sounds like a plan." Ramona said. "I'm gonna go upstairs and see if anything survived."

"Alright." Scott said. "I'll just stay here and look at the brighter side of things."

* * *

**End Chapter 2**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Looking For a Brighter Side**

* * *

**Thursday, March 3, 2011**

**3:34 p.m.**

**Ramona's House (or what's left of it, that is.)**

After scavenging the remainders of the house, Scott and Ramona collected what survived the firefight that still had some value or meaning, and put them in her bag. In the end, all that was left was some clothes belonging to both Scott and Ramona; Ramona's toothbrush (Scott's toothbrush survived, but it fell in the toilet and he refused to keep it, insisting that it was 'infected'); Ramona's favorite Madonna 'True Blue' cassette tape; a crop and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs; and Scott's favorite parka.

"Gideon!" Ramona called. "Come here, boy!"

"He probably just ran away." Scott said. "I didn't see him while we were going through the house, so he's probably out there."

"Well, this isn't that bad." Ramona sat down on the bed. "I didn't really have anything valuable anyway."

"We're okay." Scott sat down next to Ramona. "And that's what really matters."

"What are we gonna do?" Ramona sighed, wrapping her arms around her boyfriend and leaning on his shoulder.

"Easy." Scott said. "We're gonna go back to my place. Once you get settled in, we're gonna go see Wallace and find out what he knows about Joel."

"I can tell you about him."

"Can you tell me why he's trying to kill us?" Scott asked, sounding a bit firmer than usual. "Can you tell me why he sent a trained assassin to kill us?"

"No…" Ramona said, sullenly.

"I'm sorry." Scott said. "I'm just pissed about this whole thing. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I know. I'm upset, too. Can we go now? I don't want to look at this place anymore."

"Yeah, let's go."

* * *

**Later… **

**Scott's Apartment**

**4:00 p.m.**

"Make yourself comfortable." Scott said as they entered his apartment. "The sofa's a pull-out, so we'll have to share until we get an actual bed."

"Alright." Ramona said, putting her bag down and sitting on the couch. "I'm exhausted."

"We need to go see Wallace." Scott persisted.

"I don't want to go anywhere. Not after what happened. I do have a better idea, though." Ramona took out her phone.

"What?" Scott asked.

"You remember last night, I mentioned a guy named Jack?" She said as she dialed the number. "Well, he might be able to help us."

"You still have his number?" Scott asked.

"Yeah. Last time I saw him was when I was living in New York. I got a new cell phone when I moved here so he couldn't find me." She pressed the CALL button and put the phone up to her ear. After about 10 seconds, the other line picked up.

"_What do you want, Ramona?"_ Asked the voice on the other line.

"How the hell did you know it was me?" Ramona asked, surprised.

"_Please. It takes a lot more than moving to a new country and buying a new phone to hide yourself. Believe me, I know. Now, what do you want?"_

"Um, are you busy?"

"_What does it matter, if I'm busy? I'm sure you'd still ask me anyway."_

"Alright." Ramona sighed. "I'm in really deep shit right now."

"_Not the first time you've said that before."_

"Well, I am, believe it or not. I really need your help."

"_Uh-huh. And why the fuck should I help you?"_

"Someone just tried to kill me. It was a guy with a big gun and a lot of experience with shooting it, or something. He filled my house with holes and almost killed me and my boyfriend. We made it out alive, but now we don't have any money and if you don't help us, he's gonna come back and kill us."

There was a pause at the other, followed by a long sigh.

"_Alright."_ Jack said. _"What do you have for me?"_

"We got a name from the hitman. His name's Johnny. I didn't get his last name, but he sounded British. He was arguing with some guy on a radio. Either his brother or his arch rival; they sounded really competitive. I think the guy employing them is one of my ex-boyfriends."

"_Wasn't me."_ Jack said.

"I know it wasn't you—I talked to him. His name is Joel Anderson Sollace. He's 27 years old, 6-foot-4, American, went to the University of Carolina in the Sky. And he's probably living somewhere in Toronto right now."

"_Right, so 2 Brits with military training and a vengeful, poorly-educated ex-boyfriend in Canada."_

"Hey! I went to the same college."

"_How could you have expected to learn anything with your head in the clouds? Ha!"_ Jack laughed.

"Whatever. Just find what you can, and then run it by us." Ramona said.

"_Right-right. You'll hear from me in about a day or two. In the meantime, try not to get yourself killed, alright, muffin?"_

"Don't call me muffin, _cupcake_. Bye." Ramona hung up the phone and put it back into her pocket.

"We can count on him, right?" Scott asked, sitting down next to Ramona.

"Maybe." Ramona said. "He's not the most reliable person in the world, though."

"What do we do now?"

"Well, hopefully they don't know you have an apartment and they won't look for us here. Maybe we can catch a break."

"Shouldn't we tell Kim and Stephen Stills and everyone else?"

"We can tell them later. It's not like they live there or anything."

"Yeah. What do you wanna do now?"

"I don't know. I'm tired but I can't close my eyes without seeing it over again."

"I know what you mean."

Ramona stood up and walked over to her bag. She picked it up and unzipped it, and took out a pack of cigarettes.

"Oh, come on, Ramona." Scott whined.

"I need something to take the edge off." Ramona took a cigarette out of the box and put it in her mouth while she fumbled around inside her bag for a lighter. "Shit!"

Ramona threw her bag onto the floor in exasperation. Immediately, a ton of stuff fell out, including everything they packed.

"Great!" She shouted. "Just fucking great!"

"Hey, calm down!" Scott stood up and walked over to her.

"Could this get any worse?" Ramona shouted as Scott took her into his arms and held her tight.

"It's okay." He said in a calm, soothing tone. Ramona wrapped her arms around her boyfriend and buried her face into his chest, and she began to cry. Scott just held her, silently.

"Everything's gonna be okay." He whispered.

* * *

**The Next Day…**

**2:35 p.m.**

**Wallace and Mobile's Apartment**

"I don't know what to tell you, Scott." Wallace said, taking a sip of diet Coke. "I can't find any record of this guy anywhere."

**Wallace Wells**

**Scott's Former Roommate**

**26 Years Old**

**Status: Fabulous!**

"But there has to be a record of him." Scott insisted. "He can't just not exist."

"Well, according to official records, he doesn't. I did manage to find something on the guy who tore up Ramona's house." He produced a manila folder and dropped it on the island counter. "His name's Jonathan Harris. He's 25 years old, and a former sniper for the British military."

"Former?" Scott asked.

"He joined when he was 17, and his list includes many accolades and honors. However, he was not-so-honorably discharged after assaulting a commanding officer about a year ago. His military record ends there, and there's nothing else that really stood out. Except for his twin brother who joined the military at the exact same time, and was released not too long after his brother got canned."

"A brother? Twins?"

"Yep. Malcolm and Jonathan Harris. Born August 17, 1986, at 7:00 a.m. and 7:01 a.m., respectively. And until yesterday, they didn't exist. They just dropped off the face of the earth, without a trace."

"How do you do that?"

"It ain't easy, that's for sure. But they did." Wallace took another sip of his Coke. "So, how are you and Ramona holding up?"

"Well, Ramona called the insurance company and they're taking a look at her place right now. I called off work so I could come over here and talk to you about these guys."

"Good to hear that. I don't know what to tell you about this Joel guy. Are you sure that you got his name right?"

"Yeah, it's what Ramona said it was, and he even said it himself."

"Well, I'll see what I can do. Do you guys need anything right now?"

"We'll be fine." Scott asked.

"After what you guys went through yesterday, you must be pretty rattled up."

"Not really. I guess I'm just used to people trying to kill me."

"Well, if you need anything from me, anything at all, just let me know."

"Thanks, Wallace." Scott stood up and hugged his best friend.

"Sure thing, guy." Wallace said. "And take care of Ramona. She's not used to this kind of thing and you need to be there for her."

"I know." Scott said. "Thanks, again. I'll be in touch."

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

**2:38 p.m.**

**Ramona's House**

_Ping!_

"Hello?" Ramona answered her phone.

"_Where are you?"_ Jack asked.

"My house… or what's left of it."

"_You're not still staying there, are you?"_

"No. My boyfriend has a place."

"_Go there. I'm on my way and I'll meet you there."_

"Do you know where it is?"

"_Not yet, but when you get there, I will."_

"Alright, see you then."

"_Out."_

Ramona hung up the phone.

_Great._ She thought. _Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse._

* * *

**Later that Evening…**

**Scott's Apartment (again)**

"I talked to Wallace today. He told me he can't find any record of a guy named Joel Anderson."

"What? That's impossible."

"Well, that's what Wallace told me, and he's pretty good at finding out stuff like that. He did find some stuff about the guy who destroyed our house. A guy named John Harris, professional sniper for the British military. And the guy on the radio was his brother, also ex-special forces. They were in on it together, and they'll probably try again."

"Great." Ramona sighed. "Hopefully we aren't dead before he gets here."

"What?" Scott said. "Who?"

"Jack. I talked to him earlier and he said he was on his way."

"When's he gonna be here?"

"I don't know." Ramona said. "I just talked to him, like, 20 minutes ago. He could be on the way right now."

"Where's Seattle, anyway?"

"Washington."

"That's not too far, right?"

"If Canada was a part of the U.S., he'd be on the other side of the country from us."

"Oh, that's really far."

"He won't be here until sometime late tomorrow or early Sunday morning at the earliest. If he takes the plane."

"Well, hopefully we aren't dead before he gets here." Scott said.

_Mew!_ Came a sound from out the window by the couch. Scott and Ramona both turned and looked at the source.

"Gideon!" Ramona cried. "Thank God."

Scott opened the window and the long lost cat hopped into the apartment.

**Gideon**

**Ramona's Pet Cat**

**Status: Meow**

"Hey, boy!" Ramona cuddled her beloved pet. "How'd you know where to find us?"

"He must be able to smell desperation from a mile away." Scott said.

_*CHHKKHHHKKCHKKHCHHKKCHKKHCCHK!*_

"What the hell is that?" Ramona turned as Gideon jumped out of her arms and ran underneath the couch.

"I don't know." Scott said, covering his ears. They both looked around the apartment, to find the source of the commotion.

"Radio." Ramona said, pointing at the walkie talkie on the counter by the sink. "What's going on with that radio? Why did you keep that thing?"

"Because I don't have one." Scott said as he picked the radio up off the counter. "But I don't want it if it's going to keep doing this."

"Turn it off." Ramona said.

Scott switched the dial off, and the screeching noise ceased.

"Glad that's over." Scott said.

_Reow_. Gideon meowed, poking his head out from the underside of his hiding spot.

"It's okay, Gideon." Ramona tried to coax the cat out from the couch. "It's all over; nothing's gonna hurt you."

_Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-! _There was an excessive knocking at the door.

"Aw, hell." Ramona sighed.

"What is it?" Scott asked.

"There is no way." Ramona walked over to the door and opened it.

_Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-!_

"Hello, Jack." Ramona said, raising her voice over the sound of knocking.

**Jack von Nacht**

**23 Years Old**

**Status: Jetlagged**

"Hello, Ramona." He said, drolly, while still knocking on the door.

"Will you stop that!?" Ramona shouted.

Jack ended the rant with a final *_KNOCK!*_ on the door.

"Your parents aren't home, are they?" Jack asked in a near-whispering tone.

"Get in here." Ramona said. Jack entered the apartment and she shut the door behind him.

"So, you're Jack?" Scott asked.

Jack was a rather tall guy with slim and handsome features. He stood at about 6-foot-1, and had long, jet-black hair that hung down in his face, covering his left eye. He was wearing a black, double-breasted, wool P-coat with a gray collared shirt underneath, and a pair of tight, black skinny jeans with stitching at the legs and—Scott noticed—also at the crotch. His shoes looked very expensive, too, and he carried a walking stick, about 3-and-a-half feet in length, with a shiny chrome skull on top.

"No, I'm Morgan Freeman." Jack said. "Do you have any bones that need collecting?"

"Uh, no." Scott said.

"Be nice, Jack." Ramona said. "This is my boyfriend Scott."

"Hi." Scott said, tensely.

"What's the deal, anyway?" Ramona asked. "A half-hour ago, you told me you were on your way."

"Yeah." Jack said. "I had just gotten off the _plane_ and was on my way _here_ from the _airport_."

"You could have clarified that."

"Give me a break." Jack rubbed his eyes. "I just got off the plane—I'm jetlagged. Oh… Okay, not anymore. SO! To clarify things, I'm here because you're having a problem with one of your ex-boyfriends. You want my help, and I need to know just how far you want my help to take you."

"Like I said yesterday, some guy tried to kill us. He shot our house up with some kind of high-tech machine gun."

"It was a rifle, actually." Scott said.

"What?" Ramona said.

"Well, it looked like a rifle."

"You saw it?" Jack asked.

"Yeah. He came in the house and I managed to get it away from him."

"Was it a big gun?"

"Yeah, like a shotgun."

"Well then, it wasn't a rifle." Jack said.

"What?"

"If it looked like a shotgun, then it couldn't have been a rifle."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"_You're_ not making any sense." Jack said, irritated. "Do you know anything about guns?"

"Uh… you can shoot people with them."

Jack rolled his eyes and exhaled sharply.

"Alright." He said, calmly. "A shotgun and a rifle can look similar, but they most certainly are NOT the same. I won't bother explaining their distinctive characteristics to you because I know you won't understand a word I'm saying. So, I'll just tell you the most powerful difference between the two—a shotgun fires a concentrated cloud of shrapnel at a target, while a rifle fires a precise shot at the target. And shotguns cannot fire in rapid succession as a weapon like, say, an automatic rifle."

"Alright, then it was a rifle." Scott said.

"I think he had a silencer on it." Ramona said.

"I prefer the term 'suppressor.' " Jack said. "It's more accurate, seeing as it doesn't actually 'silence' the gunshot."

"Call it what you want, I never heard the sound of the gun going off when he shot at us."

"Maybe it's some kind of super suppressor?" Scott suggested.

"A device that can actually turn a gunshot into nothing more than a quiet whisper would be worth a lot to the right kind of person." Jack said.

"Why doesn't a silencer actually silence a gunshot?"

"The average handgun produces a sound registering about 160 decibels. Hearing it once can permanently damage your hearing. A suppressor can bring that sound down to about 130 decibels—which is still loud enough to cause physical pain if you're too close."

"What's the point of it if it doesn't really silence the gun?"

"Protection and discretion. People hunt with suppressors to protect those hunting with them from pain and hearing damage. As for stealth, a suppressor can make it difficult to place where the shot's coming from. They're great for parties." He laughed. "From what it sounds like, you've got someone with a serious hard-on for you, Ramona."

"What do we do?"

"I say we find them and do them before they do you."

"How do we find them before they get us?" Scott asked.

"Leave it to me. I'll find them." Jack walked back to the door. "Just relax, get some sleep… I'll be back sometime tomorrow afternoon."

"What if they try to kill us, again?" Scott asked.

"Who am I—Jason Statham? Get off my dick and let me work. Good night—don't die." Jack closed the door behind him.

"Well…" Scott began. "He seems nice."

"Don't worry, he'll grow on you." Ramona said.

"How long until that happens?"

"Come on…" Ramona sat on the couch. "He's the best hope we have. After this whole mess is over, Joel will be out of the way, Jack will go back to Seattle and we'll never see him again. Then we can finally get on with our lives."

Scott sat on the couch and leaned his head against Ramona's shoulder.

"Everything's gonna be all right." Ramona said, taking Scott's hand in hers.

Scott sighed.

"Alright." He said, turning to Ramona. She gave him a chaste kiss. "I'm hungry."

"Me too." Ramona said. "What do you want?"

"Sushi." Scott said.

"We can't afford that. What do you have in the freezer?"

"A tray full of ice and a Klondike bar."

"What about the fridge?"

"Assorted cereals."

"Milk?"

"Uh… no."

"Pantry?"

"Instant ramen."

"That'll do. I'll make dinner and we can split the Klondike."

"Okay." Scott said.

Ramona stood back up and went over to the pantry. As Scott looked over her, he couldn't shake the feeling that something horrible was coming their way.

* * *

**End Chapter 3**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Bad Reputation**

* * *

**Saturday, March 5, 2011**

**The Happy Avocado**

**3:21 p.m.**

"Hey, man…" Stephen said. "I'm sorry about what happened to you and Ramona."

"It's alright." Scott said.

"How ya holdin' up?"

"We're fine."

"No, I mean you. How are you in all of this?"

"I'm fine." Scott insisted.

"Look, man. You've gotta be feeling something after that kind of thing. I'm sure Ramona's not taking the whole thing like you, either. Why don't you take some personal time off and go be with her?"

"One, we're fine. Two, I don't have any personal days left. Three, I can't afford to take off. We need money."

"Come on, man. Work with me here."

"I am working with you. I work with you every Monday, and Thursday through Saturday. I'm here today because we need money. Isn't that how jobs work?"

"Dude, come on. I can talk to Dominique. I'm sure she'll understand."

"I just wanna work, alright? So stop talking about it."

"Okay. If you say so. I'm sorry I brought it up."

Time passes by as Scott and Stephen go back to work in silence.

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

**Second Cup**

"Stephen told me about what happened to you and Scott." Kim said to Ramona.

"Yeah." Ramona took a sip of her cappuccino.

"How are you? I mean, I'm sure that's not something you take lightly…"

"I feel horrible." Ramona sighed. "I haven't gotten a proper night's sleep in the past 2 days. I can't go a minute without thinking about it. Every time I close my eyes I can still see myself, lying on the floor with everything around me breaking and falling apart. It just feels like any second, it's gonna happen again—like I'm not safe anywhere."

"I can't even imagine that." Kim said.

Ramona pushed her cup aside and laid her head down on the table, buried in her arms. Kim couldn't help but feel a sense of awkwardness, knowing that she wasn't the most comforting person to be around.

"Look…" Kim said.

Ramona looked up as Kim stood up from her seat. She moved so Kim could sit next to her.

"I'm not very good at this…"

"I'll say." Ramona said.

"I'm trying to make a point."

"Sorry. It's a coping thing. Go on."

"Alright." Kim continued. "Here it is. You're my best friend, and… I just want you to know that… I'm here for you. If you need something—anything at all, just let me know."

"Thanks, Kim."

"Sure. Anytime."

"You mean it?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"Will you do something for me now?"

"Uh, sure. …What do you need me to do?"

"Don't get mad."

"Why would I-" Kim was cut off as Ramona grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her close—their lips impacted in a kiss unlike any that Kim had ever had before. A strong vibration went down her spine as she realized what was happening: her ex-boyfriend's girlfriend (and her best friend) was kissing her.

After about 5 Mississippi's, Ramona broke the kiss. She looked at Kim's wide-eyed expression, licked her lips, and smiled.

"I've always wanted to do that." Ramona said.

"That's very disturbing." Kim blinked at her. "And someone's staring at us."

Ramona turned and looked out the window to see who Kim was talking about.

"Oh, great." Ramona said as Jack waved at her and smiled. "Just when I was starting to feel better."

Kim stood up and moved back to her side of the booth.

"Promise me you won't tell Scott about that kiss." Ramona said.

"That's fine." Kim said. "He kissed me too, actually."

"What? When?"

"Before he went to get you back from Gideon."

"Oh… I guess we're even, then." Ramona looked up as Jack entered Second Cup and walked over to them.

"So, you find comfort in the arms of a woman rather than your boyfriend?" Jack asked.

"Shut up." Ramona said as Jack sat down next to her.

"I don't get it." Jack said. "Does she give you something that your boyfriend can't? Is she more of a man than him?"

"Sitting right here." Kim said.

"What do you want, Jack?"

"I want hot, casual sex with a kinky, paranoid, socially-detached, red-haired girl but I can't have that because she works for the FBI."

"Let me rephrase the question. Did you have something you wanted to tell me?"

"Yes." Jack dug into his shoulder bag and pulled out a manila folder. "First of all, half of the stuff you told me was wrong, which made it harder to find what you wanted."

"What do you mean?"

Jack dropped the folder onto the table. Ramona reached for it, but Jack placed his hand to shield it from her.

"Allow me." He said. "Joel never attended the University of Carolina in the Sky, so I don't know why he was there."

"What?"

"There's no record of him ever attending a college or university of any sort. In fact, he doesn't even have a high school diploma."

"Who are we talking about here?" Kim asked.

"Joel Anderson Sollace. He's the one who hired the team of British ex-militarists to ice our friends Scott and Ramona. His record doesn't go past the year 2005."

"What happened in 2005?" Ramona asked.

"Absolutely nothing. Other than the premiere of the highly-rated TV series _Bones_. And Hurricane Katrina."

"So why…"

"It's not about 2005, it's about 2006."

"Okay, what happened in 2006?"

"Wait, let's back up a little. Saturday, April 1, 2000. That's the most significant date in Joel's life. On that day, he was charged with the 1st-degree murder of Aiden and Jane McGuffin, and received 2 consecutive life sentences to the Michigan maximum security prison."

"What?" Ramona said, shocked. "No. No, no, no. That's not right. That can't be right."

"It's right here in the file." Jack slid the file to her. "It's marked."

Ramona opened the folder to the marked section. The first thing she saw was a mugshot of Joel. His hair was long and had to be secured by one of the guards for the photo. The man was definitely Joel. There was no questioning that.

"He didn't get along too well with the other inmates. He was marked for assault against several other inmates and even some of the guards. He killed an inmate named Christopher Masterson, claiming that he was, in his words, 'disgusting.' "

As Ramona turned the pages in the folder, she came across another picture of Joel. This one triggered a shock that made her drop the folder onto the table as she covered her mouth. The picture was of Joel, with a huge scar spread across the edges of his mouth to his ears. It was a Glasgow grin.

"Oh, that." Jack said. "He did that to himself after the trial in June. They put him into solitary confinement after that."

"He didn't have that scar when I was with him."

"He probably had surgery to cover it up."

Ramona closed the folder and pushed it back to Jack.

"What happened in 2006?" She asked.

"No one really knows. In January 2006, the prison where Joel was held turned into a slaughterhouse. On Tuesday, January 3, 2006, all inmates, guards, and staff members were discovered mutilated and dismembered beyond recognition. Half of the bodies couldn't even be identified. The man they found in Joel's cell was dismissed as Joel himself because he had the same build. That's all they could confirm. No one asked questions when they couldn't find the real Joel."

"And this guy is the exact same Joel?" Kim asked.

"Yeah."

"You think he killed everyone in the prison?"

"I don't know. The autopsies were unable to determine any weapon used to kill them. Time of death was placed at about the exact same time for every one of them."

"They all died at the same time? That's impossible."

"Sometimes a situation arises that defies explanation. In this case, one man mass murders 1,000 people before any one of them has a chance to fight back or call the army for back-up."

"You believe that?"

"There's a chance that everyone just exploded in a pile of blood and guts. But that's just ridiculous."

"And your original theory isn't?"

"Well, what's your theory, Dr. Occam?"

"I don't know. Maybe Joel has some kind of godlike power?"

"That's possible. Assuming men have godlike power."

"Alright then, what is the most logical explanation, Nietzsche?"

"Like I said, this is a situation that simply just can't be explained. I've looked through all of Joel's history and there's nothing to explain it. There is one event that happened early in his life that may explain why he murdered Aiden and Jane."

"And what's that?"

"On Tuesday, May 19, 1992-"

"Stop it, Jack." Ramona said.

"I wasn't finished." He said.

"It's too early in the morning to be talking about all this. Because of you I'm going to have to go through the rest of the day dealing with the fact that I dated a psycho killer."

"This isn't about you, Ramona—I know that may be a little hard for you to accept, but that's how it is."

"Shut up."

"Don't tell me to shut up, you little cunt." Jack raised his voice. Several people turned and looked over at their table.

"Shut up." Ramona repeated, still not looking at him. This was apparently a defense mechanism.

"What did I just say? You know me, and you know what that means-"

"Uh, guys?" Kim interrupted. "People are starting to-"

"I know you, Jack, and you know what?" Ramona raised her voice to him. "I hate that I had to call you over here. I hate seeing you again, and I know you hate being here just as much as I-"

"Hey!" Stacey shouted. Everyone turned to look at her as she stood at the table. "That's enough. There are other people here trying to enjoy themselves and you're distracting everyone else while they're trying to work. I'm going to ask you to keep it down. Either that, or get out."

"I'm sorry." Jack said, picking the folder up. "I'll just leave."

"Yeah, you do that." Ramona said, picking up her cappuccino.

Jack turned and looked at her, giving a wry, warning look. Then, as Ramona brought the cup to her lips, Jack reached out and pushed the cup over, spilling it all over her.

"God-!" Ramona inhaled, turning a glaring look at Jack. Jack smirked and turned, brushing past Stacey on his way to the door.

"_Fucking miserable bitch_." Stacey heard him mutter on his way out. Stacey watched him in disgust as he walked out the door.

_That escalated quickly._ Stacey thought.

"I'll get you a towel." She said to Ramona.

"I'm fine." Ramona said, standing up. "I'll just take get something out of my bag."

* * *

**About One Minute and 14 Seconds Later…**

Ramona returned from the restroom, wearing a long-sleeve Hard Rock t-shirt. She sat back down next to Kim.

"So…" Kim started.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Ramona said.

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"You want another coffee?"

"No, thanks." Ramona sighed. "I don't think I could regard it in the same way."

There was a bit of silence.

"I can tell something's eating you." Kim said. "You can talk to me, you know. I am your friend."

"Alright." Ramona said, leaning forward. "After I finished university, I moved to Seattle. I wanted to travel, but I couldn't afford to go far. I figured Seattle was cleaner than Vegas, so… yeah. I met Jack at a club in Cherry Hill. Don't ask me why, but I was into the whole emo/goth subculture. He was better-looking than half the guys at the club, and one of the only ones not talking to anyone else. So I picked him. We went back to his place and went at it. Looking back at it, I think the sex was the best part of our relationship."

"How long did you guys, uh… date?"

"We 'dated' for about 7 or 8 months. After that, I moved to New York."

"What happened?"

"What?"

"When you date someone for that long, it takes something big to end the relationship."

"How do you figure that?"

"Scott and I dated for 8 months before he moved to Toronto. I'm guessing you didn't live with your parents in Seattle and they didn't make you move with them to New York."

Ramona sighed. "We had a fight."

"Who won?"

"Hard to say. I think Jack did."

"Was it a big fight?"

"Yeah." Ramona lifted her shirt up, exposing a scar on her stomach. "He gave me a black eye, broke my wrist and three of my ribs."

"Wow." Kim looked at her friend in shock. "Was that a normal part of your relationship?"

"No, no. Jack wasn't the wife beater type. That was the only time he ever hit me, but I wanted it to be the last time, too. So I left for New York and moved in with my dad."

"Why did he hit you?"

"We had an argument. He called me a self-centered cunt with no direction who just takes from people and doesn't give back. I called him a jerk-off who didn't care about anyone other than himself. I told him to shut up. I guess he just lost his patience."

"I wouldn't even think about dating a guy who would hit a girl."

"He really wasn't that bad of a guy. That might sound kind of silly considering how our relationship ended, but it's true. When I see him I think more about the good times we had rather than that one bad time."

"Really?" Kim smirked. "He doesn't really look like the happy, go-lucky kind of boyfriend."

"He wasn't that bad. Sure he had a bit of a drinking problem, he smoked too many clove cigarettes and his house always smelled like expensive weed…"

"Oh, God…"

"It wasn't that bad."

"The drinking or the weed?"

"Definitely wasn't the weed." Ramona smiled.

"I wish my boyfriends had been as exciting as yours, Ramona." Kim said, sarcastically. "Did you guys ever do anything that normal people do?"

"Well, we went to clubs and, uh… nope, that's about it."

"Really? That's it?"

"As far as normal goes, yeah, that's it."

"Alright, I know I'm gonna regret asking, but what else did you guys do?"

"We went to strip clubs."

"Regretting it already."

"One time we went to a bar with karaoke."

Kim laughed.

"He has a very nice singing voice. Although he usually wastes it on whiny emo songs and industrial metal."

"Sorry, I'm still stuck on the part about the karaoke bar."

"All in all, he wasn't the worst guy I dated. Compared to Gideon, Jack was the best guy I dated."

"So, if you don't really hate him, then why did you have to make a scene with him?"

"I don't know. I guess that's just how you act towards your ex."

"I remember when I moved to Toronto, I thought that I would be happy to see Scott again. But a part of me just wanted to tear his stupid head off."

"That sounds about right. To be honest with you, sometimes I feel like tearing his head off, too."

"Well, he is Scott Pilgrim, after all." Kim chuckled.

"I think all boys are like that, though."

"Yeah. Some more than others."

_Ping!_

"That's for me." Ramona said, taking her phone out and answering it. "Hello?"

"_Feel better?"_ Jack's voice came from the other line.

"Yeah." Ramona said. "Look—I'm sorry. That was really uncalled for."

"_Yeah, it was."_

"Yeah, I'm sorry. You were just trying to help and I was being a total bitch."

"_Yeah, you were."_

"I'm sorry."

"_You said that twice already. I get it."_

"Okay. Do you wanna meet me back at Scott's apartment? We can-"

"_No! Whatever you do, don't go back to the apartment. They've been watching you."_

"What?"

"_I went back there. I could feel eyes all over me. Trust me, Ramona—don't go home. Do you have some other place to stay?"_

"Maybe. Hold on." Ramona took the phone from her ear. "Hey Kim, can I hang at your place for a while?"

"Uh, sure." Kim said. "What's going on?"

Ramona put the phone back to her ear. "Jack, tell me. What are we getting into?"

"_It's the jackpot and I'm trying to get you out of it. I'll see what I can do, but don't go home until I say otherwise. Call Scott and tell him the plan."_

"He doesn't have a phone."

"_Where does he work?"_

"The Happy Avocado. It's a vegan restaurant."

"_I'll get him then. I'll call you back later and let you know if anything changes. If you get the feeling that something's wrong, get out."_

"Alright. Be careful, Jack."

"_Bye."_ The line disconnected and Ramona put her phone away.

"What's going on?" Kim asked.

"We're in the jackpot." Ramona stood up. "We need to go now."

"The what? What?"

* * *

**An Hour-and-a-Half Later…**

**Hollie, Joseph and Kim's Apartment – Kim's Room**

"What took you guys so long?" Ramona asked as Scott and Jack walked into Kim's room. She hugged Scott and kissed him on the cheek. Jack sat on the bed next to Kim.

"What's going on?" Scott asked. "Jack wouldn't tell me anything."

"They found our apartment. We can't go back there."

"What?"

"I'm willing to bet it's the same guy who destroyed Ramona's house." Jack said. "He was probably waiting for you to come home."

"Damn it." Scott said. "We can't catch a break."

"Jack has a plan."

"What's the plan?"

"Lay low until we know who we're up against." Jack said.

"We know who we're up against—a bunch of asshole stalkers who destroyed our home trying to kill us."

"No, we don't. We only have a clue as to who we're up against. Once we truly understand who they are, we can go after them. Until then we play it safe."

"I'm sick of playing it safe!" Scott shouted. "We're not gonna get anything accomplished just laying around waiting for them to kill us. I wanna know where they are."

"Initiative comes to thems that wait." Jack said. "So calm the fuck down. Firing off like that is likely to get you killed. When we have a real plan you can lead the charge and bring the battle right up to Joel's front door. Until then, we're not doing anything reckless. You stay here with Ramona and don't die. When the time comes, I'll let you both know."

Scott sighed and left the room.

_Just can't come soon enough._ He thought.

* * *

**End Chapter 4**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Ignition**

* * *

**Sunday, March 6, 2011**

**Hollie, Joseph and Kim's Apartment—Kim's Room**

**Around 3:30 a.m.**

"Why is this guy trying to blow up the planet?" Scott asked.

"Because he's crazy." Jack said. "And he's not trying to blow up the planet; he's trying to blow up Russia."

"Why? They never did anything to America."

"That's the point. This movie is making fun of the banality and pointlessness of nuclear war."

"Why?"

"It's called a 'satire,' Scott. Do you know what that means? It means that it takes a subject universally deemed as serious, and takes and turns it around on itself. Just like a cartoon does."

"They have cartoons about nuclear war?"

"Well, no, not that I know of. What I mean is, that cartoons like to imitate serious matters. Like _Family Guy _does."

"Whatever. Why the hell are we just sitting around here?" Scott stirred on the floor. "Shouldn't we be doing that thing you said we were gonna do?"

"What did I say we were gonna do?"

"You said you were going to find information on Joel, so that we could 'understand him,' because apparently we can't fight him until we know what we're getting into."

"When did I say that?"

"Eight hours ago." Ramona said.

"Eight hours ago?" Jack turned and looked at her. "Shit, what was I on?"

"_You really dated this guy?"_ Scott whispered to Ramona.

"_We all make mistakes—let's move on."_ Ramona whispered back.

"What time is it?" Jack asked.

"It's about…" Kim looked at the clock. "Three thirty-four."

"My watch says it's 3:35." Jack said.

"Good for you." Kim said.

"Your clock is wrong, you should change it." Jack said.

"Why do you assume that my clock is wrong?" Kim asked. "Maybe yours is wrong."

"Mine is never wrong."

"Then I'll change mine later."

"You could change it now."

"It won't hurt to change it later."

"You might forget. You should change it now."

"If you don't stop talking about the clock I'm gonna smash it into your head."

"I'll pass up on that." Jack stood up. "I'll be back later."

"Where are you going?" Ramona asked.

"Out." Jack opened the door and left the room.

"Whatever." Ramona said.

"Where are you going?" Scott called after Jack.

"Out." Jack repeated.

"Where are you going?" Scott repeated.

"_I'm going out."_ Jack shouted, descending the stairs. _"Why are you having trouble accepting that?"_

There was the sound of a door being opened, close by Kim's room.

"_Will all of you please shut the hell up?"_ Hollie shouted. _"I have to work in 5 hours."_

"_Kim, your roommate's up."_ Jack shouted.

"_You, shut up!"_ Hollie shouted. _"I don't even know you and you're being an asshole!"_

"_Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed."_

"_Get the hell out of here!"_

"_Don't gotta tell me twice_." Jack's voice became faint as he turned down the stairs; followed by the sound of the front door opening and closing. Hollie walked into Kim's room.

"Is he a friend of yours?" She asked Kim.

"No." Kim said.

"Well he's not allowed here anymore. If he comes back I'm kicking you out."

"Sorry, Hollie." Ramona said. "I'll let him know."

Hollie turned and went back into her room, slamming the door behind her.

"We really should get to bed." Kim said. "We don't have a couch, so… is the floor alright?"

"Of course not, Kim!" Ramona said. "We're your guests; you can't have us sleeping on the floor."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you. There's nothing else available."

"Don't be ridiculous; you've got a bed right there." Ramona stood up and walked over to the bed.

"Yeah, I sleep in this bed… why are you climbing into my bed?" Kim asked as Ramona crawled into the bed.

"Why are you crawling into Kim's bed?" Scott asked. "Is this like that movie that Jack showed us a few hours ago?"

"No." Ramona and Kim both said.

"Come on." Ramona patted the bed. "There's room for three."

"There's barely room for two." Kim protested.

"Don't be silly." Ramona said.

"Yeah." Scott stood up. "It's not the first time we've shared a bed together. Just the first time all three of us have."

Scott crawled into bed at the end while Ramona crawled over and lay by Kim.

"No copulating in my bed." Kim said.

"Boo. You're no fun." Ramona wrapped her arm around Kim.

"Uncomfortable!" Kim said, trying to move away. Ramona pulled Kim in closer.

"I'm not gonna bite you." Ramona cooed.

"Scott, control your girlfriend." Kim pleaded. "…Scott?"

**Fun Fact: Scott has the ability to fall asleep in under 10 seconds, despite of sleeping arrangements.**

"Goddamn it." Kim muttered.

"Shh. It's okay." Ramona hugged Kim and kissed her cheek.

Kim rolled her eyes as Ramona rested her head in her hair. She looked over at the clock and swore to herself. It was going to be a long night…

* * *

**The Next Morning(-ish)**

**12:27 p.m.**

"Find somewhere else to sleep tonight." Kim said to her two friends.

"Why?" Scott whined. "I thought you liked having us over."

"I do. I just don't like having to share a bed with my ex and his horny ex-girlfriend."

"We weren't doing anything!" Scott said. "Were we?"

"Not both of you, I mean Ramona."

"What?" Scott looked at Ramona, who smiled and nonchalantly sipped her coffee.

"Don't tell me you didn't like it." She teased.

"I _didn't_ like it!" Kim said.

"Sure you did." Ramona said. "Deep down, there's a part of you that enjoyed it."

"I don't think so. And we're not talking about it anymore. On another note, call your friend Jack and tell him he left his movies here."

"He doesn't care."

"Well I'm not keeping that nasty shit, so if he isn't going to come back for them, then take them and bring them back to him."

"Alright, sure." Ramona took a long swig of her coffee. "And I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable last night."

"Drop it. I don't care—just don't do it again."

"I can't promise that." Ramona smiled at Kim. "You're just so irresistible, Kim."

"Stop." Kim turned to Scott. "Feel free to jump in and help me out here, Scott."

"Sorry, I don't really want to." Scott said.

"Thanks. I hope you remember this when Ramona kidnaps me and runs away to France."

"Ramona, are you planning on kidnapping Kim?" Scott jokingly asked his girlfriend.

"No." She said. "I wouldn't stoop that low. I'd rather tie her up and put a ball gag in her mouth."

"Really?" Kim said. "Yeah, that sounds like you."

_Ping!_

"Hold that thought." Ramona took her phone out and answered it. "Yo-yo, yiggity-yo."

"_Hey. Where are you?"_ Jack asked.

"Kim's place. Where are you?"

"_Your boyfriend's apartment. I'm not gonna be there much longer, though."_

"You been there all night?"

"_Yeah. Haven't seen any movement. I can't tell you it's safe to come back."_

"Have you found anything on Joel?"

"_Yep. Sittin' down?"_

"Yes."

"_Do you have a drink?"_

"Yes."

"_Put it down."_

"Okay." Ramona took her hand off her coffee mug. "What is it?"

"_I know where he is."_

"No shit."

* * *

**Six-and-a-Half Hours Later…**

**Park Hyatt Toronto, 4 Avenue RD at Bloor St West, Toronto, ON M5R 2E8, Canada**

"**Park Hyatt Toronto Yorkville is a luxury hotel in Toronto offering spa services, gourmet dining, free Internet, meeting space, catering, fitness center and 24 hour concierge."**

"What's Joel doing here?" Scott asked.

"Why wouldn't he be here?" Jack said. "He's the evil villain and the Park Hyatt is one of the posh-iest hotels in Toronto."

"How would you know?" Scott said. "You don't live here."

"According to _Travel + Leisure Magazine_, the Park Hyatt is among the top 500 hotels in the world."

"Since when do you read magazines?" Ramona asked.

"Don't be ridiculous. What would I be doing reading a magazine? Learning the tricks to a successful diet? Learning ways to tell if my partner is cheating on me? Learning who gives a fuck what that bitch Kim Kardashian is wearing?"

"Yeah, that's totally not interesting."

"Who's Kim Kardashian?" Scott asked.

"Why am I here?" Kim asked.

"You're our 'plus one.'" Ramona smiled.

"I feel so special." Kim said. "Can we get this over with? I have to work tomorrow."

"Sure." Jack said. "I know Jack is staying in one of the suites facing the parking lot, so you guys go there and wait for me. I'll meet you in 5 minutes."

* * *

**About Five Minutes Later…**

**Park Hyatt Parking Lot Area**

"Where's Jack?" Scott asked.

"Stop asking that." Kim said. "He said wait 5 minutes."

"What if he's in trouble?"

"He never gets in trouble." Ramona said. "Most of the time. I'm sure everything's fine."

"You said 'most of the time,' he never gets in trouble." Kim said. "What happens when he _does _get into trouble?"

_*CRASH!*_

The three looked up to see what looked like two figures falling from the window at the very top of the hotel.

"Is that Jack?" Kim asked.

"Yep." Ramona said.

The two figures free fell for a few seconds before landing on the pavement, about 40 feet away from Scott, Kim and Ramona. Jack landed on top of the other figure, cushioning his fall. Jack rolled over, off of the man, and stood up.

"I think this is our guy." Jack said.

The man on the ground rolled over and stood up, brushing himself off.

"Is it really that hard to call and ask to meet up?" He asked. "You don't have to throw me out a window."

"That's him, all right." Scott said. "He's got that annoying way of talking."

"You must be Scott Pilgrim." Joel said. "You've got that annoying way of talking about people that are standing right in front of you."

**Joel Anderson Sollace**

**27 Years Old**

**Ramona's 4****th**** 'Not-Evil' Ex-Boyfriend**

**Status: Unknown**

Joel had long, thick, black hair—even longer than Jack's—styled in some ridiculous '80s fashion. He wore a black, collared shirt and a pair of black dress pants, and a pair of black beetle boots.

_Why are bad guys so formal nowadays?_ Scott wondered.

Joel started walking towards them. In an instant, Jack teleported from his position next to Joel back to Scott and the others.

"Friends of yours, Ramona?"

"Yeah." She said.

"You're looking well, by the way. Very healthy. Did you do something to your hair?"

"That's far enough." Scott took a few steps forward in front of the others. "I don't know you and I really don't care. I'm sick of you and this whole thing, and I'm putting an end to it, now."

"Oh, I'm just getting started, Scott." Joel sped up his pace towards them all. Scott charged at Joel and prepared for an attack.

Scott rolled back his fist and threw a punch straight at Joel. Joel instinctively grabbed Scott's fist and seized him by the neck with his free hand. Scott struggled as Joel lifted him into the air.

"So impatient." Joel said. He tossed Scott back towards the others.

Scott sailed through the air; Jack caught him and set him back on his feet.

"You alright?" He asked.

"Yeah." Scott groaned, rubbing his neck.

"Then quit while you're ahead. Otherwise you're gonna get yourself killed. I'll handle it."

"Just listen to him, Scott." Ramona said.

As Jack stepped forward there was a flash of blue light behind Joel. Then there stood a woman behind him. She was dressed in blue—too much blue. Her make-up was blue, her hair was blue (her bangs were black) and tied up in a ponytail at the top of her head. Her outfit was very decorative and looked like something a circus ring leader would wear. She wore a dark blue corset under an open white coat that cut off at her midsection, a pair of tight blue pants, with a pair of white heels that went up almost to her shin.

"Are you okay?" She asked Joel in a plain tone.

"I'm just fine." Joel said. "I'd like you to meet a few friends of mine—Ramona Flowers, Scott Pilgrim, and, uh… what are your names?"

"Kim and Jack." Ramona said.

"Who's your friend?" Jack asked.

"This is Maude." Joel said.

**Maude Manson**

**25 Years Old**

"What is she, your muscle?"

"No, she's just the good looks."

"Right, and you're just the psychopathic criminal."

"That's a little harsh."

"I don't use words lightly, and I can't think of anything better."

"Alright. So what are you, then? The mentally disturbed, makeup-wearing creep who doesn't have anything better to do than spy on other people and their lives?"

"Could be worse. I could be you."

"What do you know?" Joel retaliated.

"Where should we start? Maybe with your parents? They died when you were 8. That must have been really difficult. Who took it harder though, you or Sofia? She took you in and raised you, yet you never said a word to her—or anyone else—for 7 years. Why is that? How do you do that? Not saying anything for such a long time—that's got to be hard."

"You can't even imagine." Joel said, somewhat drolly.

"You're right; I can't. I think words are quintessential. Being mute by choice is just a poor decision. Of course, being mute doesn't even make the list of all the sick things you've done. Do you regret killing him?"

Joel shuddered.

"That's right." Jack said. "You know who I mean."

"You don't know shit." Joel growled.

"I know everything about you, Joel. I can recite the events in your life like pages a diary. In fact, I can recite the pages in your diary verbatim."

"I regret that every day of my life. If I could, I would take it back."

"Why? After what he did to you I can imagine killing him. I would have."

"What?" Joel seemed confused. "He didn't do anything to me. Killing him was an ill-tempered and short-sighted decision."

"Oh no, not him. I don't mean Aiden, I mean Keith. You know, Mr. Richards?"

Joel's eyes widened to the max. His gaped at Jack.

"How could they set that man free? Not just for what he did to you—just imagine how many other boys he 'recruited.' I guess that's just how the American judicial system works. Setting kidnappers, rapists…child molesters free on account of good behavior? What a joke. Maybe that's why you undertook an oath of silence. Maybe if you just kept your mouth shut, no one would notice you and you could avoid a repeat of that day-"

With that, Joel snapped. In an instant he covered the distance between him and Jack—and socked him right across the face, knocking him onto the ground about 10 feet away.

"Alright." Jack jumped back up. "Let's get on with it, then."

Jack disappeared in a flash, reappearing behind Joel, and slammed his cane into the back of Joel's head. Joel fell over, howling in pain.

"Where did he get that thing, anyway?" Scott asked, looking at Ramona and Kim.

"What? That hurt?" Jack asked, swinging the cane into Joel's face. "And here I thought you were some kind of badass, but you must be a real pussy if you can't take a few blows to the head."

"I'm gonna break that thing in half and shove it up your ass." Joel said, standing back up, blood dripping down his face.

Joel charged at Jack, grabbing for the cane. Jack slammed the shaft of the cane into Joel's forehead. Joel staggered back and Jack slammed the cane into his face again. This time, Joel fell back and landed on the ground.

"Why don't you take a page from Ian Fleming?" Jack said to him. "Go back to school and learn how to be a real bad guy."

Joel picked himself back up.

"Why don't you take a page from the men of America?" Joel said. "Make-up is for girls and clowns."

"Why don't you just stay down?" Jack swung his cane at Joel.

Joel grabbed the cane and tore it out of Jack's hands, throwing it aside.

"That's enough of that." Joel said.

"Fine." Jack said. "How about this?"

Jack kicked Joel in the stomach, launching him backwards—straight into a parked, red Volvo sedan. The hood of the car crumpled like tin foil against the force of the impact. Jack quickly moved over to Joel and pulled him up from the car, and punched him into the face. Joel flew back into the car, bounced off and landed on the ground.

"Come on, psycho." Jack grabbed Joel by the hair and lifted him up. Joel grabbed Jack's arm and swung him around, slamming him into the car.

"That's the ticket." Jack said, seemingly unfazed by the attack.

"This battle is becoming very heated." Scott said to Ramona and Kim.

"Yeah." Ramona said. "I wish I had some popcorn."

Jack jumped back up and re-engaged Joel. Joel put his hands up to suppress him; Jack locked hands with him and they began a battle of strength—immediately, Joel gained the upper hand, quickly overpowering Jack, who struggled to keep his position.

"What?" Joel asked. "No more clever retorts? Come on, Jack. Make a joke."

"Okay." Jack said. "This is all for you, Damien."

"That's not very clever. And you stole it from a movie."

At that moment, Jack began pushing back, shifting the tide to his favor.

"I thought you'd last longer than that." Jack said, shoving Joel onto the ground.

"I've had enough of this ridiculous farce." Joel said, picking himself up.

"Me, too." Jack reached into his coat pockets and took out a pair of Walther PPKs. "Here's another one for you… Yippee-kai-yay, Motherfucker."

Joel flinched as Jack pulled the triggers. Jack proceeded to empty both magazines. When he finished, there was about 20 new holes in Joel's body. Joel promptly fell to the ground.

"Shit." Scott said.

"Problem solved." Jack said as he hid the guns back into his coat. As he walked back to the others, Maude rushed over to Joel's body.

"Don't lose any sleep—he had it coming." Jack said to her.

"Are you alright?" Maude said to Joel.

"I'll be fine." Joel said as he picked himself up.

"Shit." Scott said. "It's never that easy."

"I guess he's the one that just won't stay dead." Jack said. He waved his hand and the cane reappeared. "Try this."

Jack spun the cane around between his fingers and held it with both hands at the base. A dark aura began to gather at the top of it.

"What the hell is he doing?" Scott asked Ramona.

"I don't know." She said. "I've never see him do that."

"Drop dead." Jack said. He pointed the cane at Joel and Maude, and a blast of dark aura flew towards them both.

Maude jumped in front of Joel and raised her arms up, as if to shield him from the blast. The blast hit Maude and exploded, blowing smoke everywhere and shattering the pavement.

"And that's the end of that chapter." Jack said, turning back to Scott and the others. "Seriously, roll credits."

"Uh… might wanna look again, chief." Ramona said, pointing.

Jack turned and looked back. Where Joel and Maude stood, there was a giant black disc in their place, with a spiral blue line going around towards the center. It was there for a second, and then disappeared, showing a very much intact Joel and Maude.

"What the fuck." Jack said.

"We are done here." Maude said. She and Joel disappeared in a flash of blue light.

"That did not go well." Ramona said.

"Where do we go from here?" Scott asked.

"Do you know anyone with an in-depth knowledge of the occult?" Jack asked.

* * *

**Wallace and Mobile's Apartment**

**7:32 p.m.**

"You shot him and he didn't die?" Wallace asked.

"Point blank." Jack said. "I emptied both magazines into him, and 10 seconds later he stood right back up."

"Before that, Jack threw him out of a window." Scott said. "And he gave him a pretty good beating with his cane and slammed him into a car."

"Sounds like latent immortality." Wallace said, a bit jokingly.

"Anything we can do about that?" Scott asked.

"Immortality has to stem from something. If you can tell me more about this guy, I can probably find something to help you beat him. Do you know anything else about him?"

"I have a folder on him in my bag." Jack said. "Nothing exactly jumped out and said, 'I can take 20 bullets in my chest.' "

"Let me see it." Wallace said. "I might find something you missed."

"Doubt it. Scott says you couldn't even find anything on him."

"What, are you scared that you actually missed something?" Wallace teased.

"You know what?" Jack opened his shoulder bag. "Be my guest." He took out the folder and set it on the counter.

"How are you, Scott?" Wallace asked.

"I'm alright." Scott said. "I'm pretty sure you already asked me that."

"Where's Ramona?"

"She went home with Kim. By the way, can I stay over tonight? Kim's place is too crowded for both of us."

"Sure thing, guy. I need someone's body to keep me company while Mobile's away on business."

"I'm gone." Jack said, standing up and heading for the door.

"Where are you going?" Scott asked.

"Home. I have a dog and a cat to take care of, and I really don't want to stay here anymore. Not with you two fruits."

"Don't mind him." Wallace said to Scott as Jack walked out the door. "We can have fun on our own."

"That is really not welcome." Scott said.

_Ugh, this is gonna be a long night._

* * *

**End Chapter 5**

* * *

_**This was just a preview of what's to come from my story. I'm not sure when I'll be finished. Until then, this is it for now. I won't be posting any more chapters until I finish writing the story. **_**_Leave a comment and let me know what you think so far._**

**_I'm also available for beta reading, btw. _**

_**-Black Widow of La Porte**_


End file.
